Under Construction

What Have You Done?

Seconds became minutes...
Thoughts have gotten deep into the shindigs... 
And oh my gosh...
could my emotions be possibly skating on a wreckage?

Defenses, I have all laid out and fastened, 
I was certain heart would never be again accessed
Then you came along and my guards you have shaken;
You, who ruined all my  plans I have flattened. 

Countless times I have shoved you away;
Countless times I have tried to shrugged this feelings I thought were just insane
Finally my white flag have been raised
I guess I'm giving in to the world of fairy tales

I don't know how you did it
I'm not sure why I allowed it, 
But you made me risk it
and so I pray we make it.

There are many things I'd like to tell you; 
all the nitty gritty I'd like to share with you.
Let's just wait till the heart makes it true. 
But now I'm just really happy I'm with you.

It felt weird... happy weird that is. It's been a long time since I last did it... since I last felt it  (whatever this is).  
Your  happy self made it easy for me. Everything felt right and natural and comfy and light... well at least for me since you said you were nervous, which is really funny, considering how tiny I am compared to your big built? You can easily throw me in the air ala-Hulk, eh. haha 

Thank you...

Your gesture to initiate to go to Victory surprised me. God is my first love, you see.
I still don't know what this is or where will this go but I just know that I'm happy I made a U-turn and found you still there... standing... waiting... trying...
Just like what the preaching said yesterday, let's wait and see what's God's will for you and me.

I am feeling 2 emotions right now from 2 different happenings that took place today. Lemme start with the negative one:

 Fury. 

You, yes you... How dare you judge me? Funny, you don't even know how I feel. You don't even know what's on my mind. And now you speak as if I don't have a life. As if you're telling me to piss off and get some life. FYI madame, this girl has a good head over her shoulders. I may be weak sometimes but if you're thinking that my past have ruined me and my intelligence and my judgement, you are so wrong. But then again, I'm sick of this old tale... I'm sick of explaining and defending myself so what the heck, go think whatever you wanna think about me... in fact, help yourself 'cause I don't care anymore. Enjoy watching my life. My respect for you is now somewhere between my dislike on okra and sibuyas.

Happy.

Hey you! I missed you. I'm not sure if it's right to say this given the fact that I've hurt you but sorry... I really missed you and I'm glad you're back. You know heart and brain are two opposing parts of my being so bare with me. I promise when these two have come to an agreement, you won't even have to try... I'd volunteer myself to be your lifetime caretaker, your number 1 cheerer, patient listener, joke laugh-er, everyday pen pal, and forever partner; and we'd be like one of them coolest couples ever have matched by the heavens. These and more only IF heart and mind settles down. But for now, let's just both wait. Que sera sera, honey pie. 

For days now I've been bugging the Big Man up there about my recent episodes. I was so scared and sad (obviously) that I might have committed a mistake...the one that I could have regretted for the rest of my life. I've  been praying, asking for that light bulb moment to come and tonight He answered me. Indeed, I have made the right decision. I shouldn't feel bad and worrisome about my future. All the "what ifs" are gone now. I'm back to being Sunny!

Funny I had this conversation with my co-teacher earlier. It goes like:

Me: Nakaka-hyper yata yung isang mug ng taho teach...

Co-teacher: Nagtaka ka pa teach, e lagi ka namang ganyan.

It made me smile. All this time, nobody noticed that I'm going through something and it made me happy. After some several experiences, I've learned the art of pretending... pretending not to care and pretending that you're not hurting in any way. Covering all your emotions just by smiling, cracking up jokes, making yourself happy just by appreciating any small jolly encounters with someone or something you've seen. And I have my best friend Tina to thank for, because these were her words to me 2 years ago:
In tears, she said to me, "Sam, if you can just pretend that you're happy  all the time please do so...because as you pretend,  di mo mamamalayan that happy ka na pala talaga. We don't like seeing you this way. Stop this."

Those were the words I treasure. I never, ever, ever would allow my love ones to see me weak again. So now, I'm just all happiness outside. I shut down all the dramas inside where no one would see. And besides I have learned another good lesson from my beloved boss and it goes this way, "believes we are always in charge of our emotions, no matter how we are provoked."  Gets? :D hahaha Simply put, we can control our emotions. So if we allow sadness to eat us up, aba, you've no one to blame but yourself because you allowed yourself to nurture that sadness.

So anyway, going back... lonely days are gone because I got na nga all the answers to my questions! hahaha Oha, I passed through a situation that NOBODY even knew... without bothering any of my friends.

Thank You God because tonight I'm gunna smile with a happy heart and mind. Amen.

It's hard to smile these days where hope is far away...
Where your happiness is walking away...
Where unspoken words will remain that way...
Where chance have gone astray and decided not to stay...

I hate waiting. Any of my close friends would know that. I hate late people and I hate being late. I think fate really has its way of playing jokes, because it seems to me that the more I hate waiting, the more I am being asked to wait. 

Then there are these adult decisions you must make. Another chance of starting all over again. Another chance to move. But do I really want to start all over again? What if I'm already with my happiness but just 'cause you're being pushed by people, you've already let your happiness slip away.

Frustrated, really I am. You know what you want and it's right in front of you but still you just can't have it. It's not yet time. 

Sad... sad... sad... I'm so sad I can't even construct a friggin decent blog post.

SAD. 

The fudge, I'm so sad.

Bits and pieces from eyes to cheeks, here they're falling.

Then again, so what? Big deal? I'm good at sucking up life's crap anyway. Kbye.

Isn't it ironic how when you've finally decided that you're not doing something again, something will happen that would make you think twice? You don't know if it's just testing your determination or your patience but one thing is for sure, it frustrates your entire emotion and it weakens your soul.  

You're caught in between two strong forces. You don't know which street to cross. You're lost and you don't know which trail to go; Is it the boring looking trail but is safe, or the fun trail because it offers exciting and new experience for you, of which you knew, would make you giddy. Each trail though, offers a different summit, but you don't even know what to expect on both ends from trekking whichever trail. Would you risk it or remain safe?

You never thought you'd come to that point again. You never thought you'd even consider it. You never thought it's possible. You never thought a part of you would be willing. You never thought it's going to boil down into this. It's so un-explainable but at the same time undeniable. 

You think writing it down would clear your thoughts, when actually, nothing is resolved. You're still the same person who knows what you want but is fearful of the unknown, stuck, and unable to move along.

They say there are no mistakes, because they’re the ones that led us to where and become what and who we are right now. But what if you’re not happy with the whats and the wheres and the whos? Would that statement still be applicable? Or would it become null and void?

Have you ever felt having two emotions at the same time? You’re happy but you’re sad. You’re glad but there’s regret.  You’re being brave but you’re scared. You don’t want to stop fighting but you want to be rescued. You’re not searching but you’re longing.

It’s always a matter of choice. And tonight, vulnerability won. Tonight, tears are flowing. Tonight, someone’s losing. Tonight someone remembered. Tonight someone felt the wound again. Tonight someone’s happy while the other one weeps.

Just for the night…

Tomorrow, someone’s going to strive again. Tomorrow, someone’s going to force a smile again. Tomorrow, someone’s going to forget again. Tomorrow, someone's indifferent again. Tomorrow, someone’s going to try to brave every emotional mountain again. Tomorrow, it’s going to be like tonight never existed.

But tonight, someone’s wearing a cloak of melancholy and regress.

Just for tonight… 

I never thought it could still sting me. I never thought I'd feel tiny bits and pieces on my cheeks again. I never thought rainy days would still drench me. Why did my eyes ever had to stumble upon those words. Words that are simple yet suddenly crippled me again. I wish your shadow could stop chasing me. Life became undeniably great without you but you've left some marks on my path. Fudge, I wish you took away all the trail marks with you when you left.